Teenage discipline!

I'm glad I'm not a teenager.
(just a recycled one!) By Nigel Heath

There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth in our society about teenage rebellion, teenage crime, teenage drunkenness, teenage pregnancy. Teenagers in general get a bad press for rudeness, knocking old people out of their way, dressing shabbily, grunting instead of talking and just about anything else we can throw at them. But then they are struggling with the hormone rushes and all the exams we make them do when really they should be sleeping all day, partying with their friends all night and being fed on demand in between!

How much of this do we as parents bring on ourselves?

My teenage years were surely never as pressured or difficult as those of my children. The expectations on me as a child and teenager seemed far less than I imposed on my children. I often receive 'funny' emails bewailing our lost youth and the fun we had staying out all day, climbing trees, taking risks etc. Nowadays we are increasingly denying our own youngsters the opportunity to be truly young and free of worry.

So what is the best way through all this for families with teenagers?
The most important thing to know, is what is the most important thing! What is worth the stand up row ? What is worth the sulking, long silences and bad language? Is it how tidy their room is? (You shouldn't even be looking, its their room). The length of their hair? The calibre of their friends? (Your judgement). Their personal habits? The way they talk to you? Probably none of the above - unless they are life threatening for the young person involved or anyone else.

Is there any hope for the poor beleagured parents?
Oh yes! If you want to know what you'll have to ask me. help@thehappyrelationship.co.uk

Coming home

Just recently I was travelling home by train, which always gets me in a thoughtful mood as there are so many other people to watch. Having arrived and walking across the bridge to meet Nigel, I overheard a conversation between another couple in a similar position.

"Hello darling, did you have a good time?"

"It was great, we had so much catching up to do. I'm tired now. We talked and talked and I hardly slept last night for all the excitement. I even woke up during the night, when something else popped into my mind that I wanted to discuss with ..."

"Did you wake at about 4.00am?"

"Yes, I think it was. Why do you ask?"

"I woke at 4.00 and I'm sure I felt your agitated vibes....!"

As I met Nigel, the couple passed us. Their connection was obvious, not only in the cameo conversation I had overheard but also in their very 'together' body language. They looked comfortable together.

After our own 'hellos', I relayed what I had heard and my feeling that it is so reassuring to see couples who have maintained their connection way beyond that first flush of excitement and romance.

There's not a lot to go on, to notice what they were doing. What stood out for me was the way he started the conversation in a very 'soft' way - he was interested in her experience, rather than quizzing her on the 'facts' and he let her take her time, without interruption, to tell him about what happened. (I have probably abbreviated that above!)

Homecomings are a great opportunity to re-establish your connection with your partner.

As children grow up

'Children bring joy to a relationship and also cause extra pressure. They learn to manipulate situations to their own advantage and may play one parent off against another. Christmas is a classic time when they look for evidence of how much they are loved through the amount spent on presents. I’ve seen this carry on into adulthood, creating a rift between the parents and leading to behaviour patterns that are impossible to live with.'

I was talking to a group of business people about the external pressures that can bring stress to relationships. This obvioulsy struck a chord with one of my colleagues who asked for a quiet chat about the effect his stepdaughter was having on his relationship with his wife. I listened to what is a fairly common tale about a 'basically good youngster' who is going through a difficult phase. This once biddable young person is now only compliant when directly asked to do something. And the parents hold slightly different views about discipline and whether this is even something that needs tackling. At this stage the impact is small and it would have been easy to reassure him that it would all blow over as his daughter grew beyond teenage.

But at what cost?! Feelings of dissatisfaction or concern that aren't attended to can fester over time. And in fact the remedy was of course simple, so we chatted for a bit longer and I encouraged him to re-think his view of what is happening.

From the time that we are born until we are old enough to leave home, say 18 (though that could be the topic of another BLOG or two!) human beings go through tremendous times of development and change. These changes are physical, emotional and often spiritual too, as we mature from babies into adults. The greatest times of growth are the first three years and then again as children enter adolescence. After that time, although we don't stop developing, the pace is much more sedate and we grow to expect life around us to be more consistent. That's why as parents it can be both unsettling and frustrating when we just get to a point of understanding our children and they go and change again. Will we ever get it right?

The answer is that we need to take a longer view, knowing that during the time of great upheaval in adolescence they are quite likely to change their viewpoint dramatically, to change their preferences for hobbies, foods, friends and that we cannot hope to keep pace with all this.

As parents our role is to help our children move from complete dependance on us to (almost) complete independance. And to do this we must review the part we play, using each significant change in their behaviour as a signal to us, that perhaps now is the time for another change.

It can help during this time if you take an active interest in their lives, listening to them and playing back their ideas without judgement, in anticipation that when this whirlwnd time is past you will have established some positive habits of relating to each other. When they too reach a time of more settled adulthood, they will want to share their thoughts and ideas with you.