As children grow up

'Children bring joy to a relationship and also cause extra pressure. They learn to manipulate situations to their own advantage and may play one parent off against another. Christmas is a classic time when they look for evidence of how much they are loved through the amount spent on presents. I’ve seen this carry on into adulthood, creating a rift between the parents and leading to behaviour patterns that are impossible to live with.'

I was talking to a group of business people about the external pressures that can bring stress to relationships. This obvioulsy struck a chord with one of my colleagues who asked for a quiet chat about the effect his stepdaughter was having on his relationship with his wife. I listened to what is a fairly common tale about a 'basically good youngster' who is going through a difficult phase. This once biddable young person is now only compliant when directly asked to do something. And the parents hold slightly different views about discipline and whether this is even something that needs tackling. At this stage the impact is small and it would have been easy to reassure him that it would all blow over as his daughter grew beyond teenage.

But at what cost?! Feelings of dissatisfaction or concern that aren't attended to can fester over time. And in fact the remedy was of course simple, so we chatted for a bit longer and I encouraged him to re-think his view of what is happening.

From the time that we are born until we are old enough to leave home, say 18 (though that could be the topic of another BLOG or two!) human beings go through tremendous times of development and change. These changes are physical, emotional and often spiritual too, as we mature from babies into adults. The greatest times of growth are the first three years and then again as children enter adolescence. After that time, although we don't stop developing, the pace is much more sedate and we grow to expect life around us to be more consistent. That's why as parents it can be both unsettling and frustrating when we just get to a point of understanding our children and they go and change again. Will we ever get it right?

The answer is that we need to take a longer view, knowing that during the time of great upheaval in adolescence they are quite likely to change their viewpoint dramatically, to change their preferences for hobbies, foods, friends and that we cannot hope to keep pace with all this.

As parents our role is to help our children move from complete dependance on us to (almost) complete independance. And to do this we must review the part we play, using each significant change in their behaviour as a signal to us, that perhaps now is the time for another change.

It can help during this time if you take an active interest in their lives, listening to them and playing back their ideas without judgement, in anticipation that when this whirlwnd time is past you will have established some positive habits of relating to each other. When they too reach a time of more settled adulthood, they will want to share their thoughts and ideas with you.