Poor expectations

People tell us fascinating stories about the way things ‘work’ in their relationship.

One area which can be either a joy or a nightmare is the transition between home and work.

The other day, Mark told me he went to work with a ‘little mental list’ of domestic things to do during the day. Despite his best intentions, they all seemed to fall out of his mind as he drove to work and became focussed on his job.

His wife Sandra, in frustration at nothing getting done, began putting a note in his sandwich box to help him remember. To begin with these were friendly and chatty but as time passed and they still didn’t do the trick, they became shorter and more negative in tone. Quite often Mark became so absorbed in his work he didn’t break for lunch until late in the afternoon. With all opportunity to pop to the local shopping centre gone, the little note became a nagging accusation of inattention and lack of care. As he arrives home, Sandra greets him with a demand to know whether he has done his ‘chores’ and of course isn’t surprised to find that yet again he has forgotten.

Unfortunately this is setting up a downward spiral. Sandra has poor expectations of Mark. Mark is fulfilling them on a daily basis. Mark feels guilty about not remembering and angry his hard work in the office is not being recognised as part of his contribution to their relationship.

Mark and Sandra often tell their story in wry amusement as an observation on the differences between men and women. Sandra even tells of the time she put her note in his sandwich to make sure he’d notice it!

At this point it’s good to remember I can only see the part of the story visible to everyone. It’s tempting to offer solutions to ‘fix’ their relationship. It’s not really broken - they just need a gentle nudge in the right direction to learn better ways of being together. Or a little help to uncover the ‘baggage’ from their past keeping them stuck in negative behaviour patterns now.
How might I start a conversation to provide that push without coming up against embarrassment or annoyance as I cross an invisible line which says “it’s not polite to notice someone else’s relationship issues”?For this reason Nigel and I have started to convert our coaching and workshop sessions into E-courses - bite-sized chunks of exercises and ‘snippets of wisdom’. Couples can download these from our website and ‘play’ with them at home. The best solutions are always their own - all we have to do is provide the gentle nudge or guidance, to help them emerge. If you would like to find out more about our e-course programmes follow this link and register your interest. E-course info

Loving Arguments!

Nigel's view as Mr Angry.
What happens when you argue, have a spat, strong words or whatever you call it?
Close and loving relationships don’t necessarily run smoothly all the time. Well ours doesn’t! We are both strong minded people with our own views so there are moments when our ideas collide and we choose to disagree about something. We used to do this in a different way, based on how we had been in our previous long term relationships. Now we have devised a system all our own where we are both able to ‘shout’, express our opinions, and be emotional, safely!
These arguments always end up with us making new learnings, about ourselves and each other and quite often about men and women in general and their different communication styles and emotional coping strategies.
I think of myself now as emotionally intelligent but this hasn’t always been the case. Growing up through the 60’s & 70’s my role model for male emotional intelligence was based on what worked well when Henry VIII was just a lad! Scoring out of 10 my score reflected my Father’s at an astounding -3! I hope I'm pushing 8 by now.
My advantages in an argument. I can shout louder, I know more rude words, I can focus on the exact meaning of words and therefore point out faulty logic, and I can go bright red in the face with suppressed frustration (anger).
My disadvantages in an argument. Not following the general flow and becoming lost in a logic that is not there. Having ‘feelings’ which don’t have any useful words attached to them. Turning my anger on myself because I can’t string together a cogent argument. So I end up full of adrenaline (fight or flight) with fight not really an option and no room to fly.
In common with most men I now need a period of quiet, by myself, to calm down and let the adrenaline subside. John Gray might term this ‘going into my cave’ (Men are from Mars). John Gottman calls it ‘becoming flooded’ (with emotions).
If any of this sounds horribly familiar, you’ll be glad to know there is a way out which allows reconnection, healing, learning and growth.
If I can call a halt to the argument, or if Jenny does, (we call this hitting the pause button) and I can find some way to soothe myself for about 20 minutes I get to a better place.
To begin with I seethe inside and come up with those things I wish I’d said that would have jolly well shown her!
As the adrenaline begins to subside these less than useful thoughts are replaced by ones that consider what I would like to have happen now. To wonder what little gremlin deep inside caused me to behave in such a rude and unpleasant way. Provided Jenny leaves me alone for 'long enough' I can find a way to apologise and ask for a time to work out what happened so we can both learn from it.
Leaving me 'long enough' we discover is another fundamental difference between us in how we process emotions, specifically how fast. Jenny goes through a similar process to me (different pictures, girlie stuff I expect) just a lot quicker. So she is ready to say sorry and look for a hug and reconnection whilst I’m still lost in the adrenaline.
Any overtures just then send me back to my unresourceful state and prolong the time it takes for me to settle back to normality.
It must be a bit like waiting for the ‘incredible hulk’ to shrink back down to human size, turn pink and find a new shirt and trousers!
Once 'long enough' has passed we are both in a place where we have a new perspective on what happened, can perhaps notice what caused it (usually some baggage) and begin to formulate or strengthen our strategies for coping with arguments. Our relationship is strong because we constantly put little deposits in our ‘relationship bank’. I’ll write another blog about this. Having an argument withdraws credit. Finding ways to reconnect and respect each other after an argument puts twice as much back.