Talking with Jane.

By Nigel.
Focused as we are on our ‘Happy Relationship’ workshops and coaching programme, we keep bumping into little examples of the different ways men and women communicate.
Funny how that happens, isn’t it?

The other day, whilst shopping in Romsey with Jenny, we met a friend we hadn’t seen for a while and stopped for a coffee and chat.

When the coffee arrived and we were settled Jane asked “How are the children?” (We have four between us, two each from our previous marriages). I was taking my first sip, so Jenny answered along the lines of; “Well three of them are happy in long term relationships, and two of them are living with their partners. The one who’s not yet living with his girlfriend hopes to do so soon.” “We like their partners, and feel they fit in well with our family.” “The fourth one hasn’t got a serious girlfriend and is very focussed on his studies and work.” Then Jenny glanced at me to see if I was ‘engaged’ in the conversation and wondered what I was smiling about.

I realised the conversation could have another way if I had answered Jane first. I was ready to tell her, in strict order of age beginning with the oldest, the facts of their lives. What they were each doing, where they now lived, and in deference to our friendship, a bit about how I felt they were doing. A litany of facts in response to a polite enquiry! Is this a typically male answer?
From the delicious perspective of ‘observer’ I noticed how much Jane was deriving from the ‘relationship’ stuff. When I offered my ‘facts’ and these observations, they added a new dimension to our ‘chat’. What’s more we had a laugh about the intrinsic differences between men and women and their style of communicating.

Jane’s question was a ‘bid’ for connection. We ‘turned towards’ Jane in our responses and very quickly we were all in tune.
Sometimes conversations don’t go so well, and looking back we may wonder what caused the lack of connection. If some of you reading this are not quite sure what ‘bids’, ‘turning towards’ and ‘connections’ are all about you’ll need to come back and read some more as we explore the interesting issues of (mis)communication between men and women.

Can’t wait? Have a look at our website and read about our programme of workshops and coaching for couples. These are designed to give women and men new skills and understanding and to enjoy closer harmony in their relationship. http://www.thehappyrelationship.co.uk/

Communication failure!!

Nigel's Blog Tuesday 4th September 2007

Attack as defence!
Just yesterday I noticed how easy it is to move from 'defending' my actions, or more often inactions, to attacking with tone and volume. On a personal and very temporary way this can move the discomfort from being mine to being my 'attackers'. Except of course that the question or query was never intended as an attack.What am I perceiving then in the harmless question? What inner guilt or shortfall does it engage? And as I reflect later, after the shouting and the tears, was that really the outcome I would have chosen, given time to choose?This is the learning for me. To install and use a 'pause' button. When my first instinct is to defend and bridle at an innocent remark, hit 'pause' and consider from a different viewpoint what I would like to have happen next. The trick is to take one or two long breaths, and smile whilst looking up. That is all it needs to move from visceral reaction to considered response.Have you found yourself in this situation too? What have you done about it?Give yourself some time to allow a subtle deactivation of the 'natural' defense, and then move forward with a smile. Notice how communication becomes less fraught, particularly with a member of the opposite sex!

If this sounds familiar, check out our website to find out about our 'couples coaching', workshops and soon to be published E-books with ways to help men and women communicate better.

www.thehappyrelationship.co.uk

Jenny's Blog 31 August 2007
This week Sir Bobby Charlton, footballing legend, published his autobiography. He mentions difficulties between his wife and his late mother that caused a rift between him and his brother Jack.

Family rifts are all too common and can develop when we don’t tackle difficulties early enough. Left to fester, unresolved arguments can lead to words that are difficult to take back or to perceived injustices with both parties unprepared to forgive and forget. So is it possible to heal these rifts, or even better to prevent them happening in the first place? That’s the question that Radio Wiltshire’s Shelley Keene asked me last Wednesday morning.

Of course if both parties want to change, they can find a way. It helps to have someone else make the first move, as happened with a friend of ours, whose niece was the catalyst for him rebuilding his relationship with his sister. An independent facilitator can make all the difference in helping people see things from the ‘other’ perspective. And remember, understanding the other person’s point of view doesn’t mean you have to wholeheartedly accept it - finding ways to agree to differ are at the heart of reconciliation. It can also help to look at the emotional heritage you bring with you to a relationship, deciding what is useful to you and getting rid of excess baggage.

It’s even better if you can prevent arguments or differences deepening into a feud. Just like the mother of a young child reaching for another child’s toy, who distracts her toddler with something else - or even more enticing - her undivided attention. For some people it’s a natural instinct to respond positively to early signs of ‘danger’, while others benefit from learning ways to call to mind simple strategies for avoiding conflict.

Check out our website for information on our couples coaching and those other little 'times of change' that cause us to think about our relationships.
http://www.thehappyrelationship.co.uk/